Though he knew it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity (Leviticus 5:17)

I don't like to proliferate stereotypes, so I am going to try to dispel one, that of the Jewish mother, accused of laying on the guilt so thick that her children have mental breakdowns, ala the stock character in Portnoy's Complaint. 

I am here to say that Jewish mothers are not to blame, for this is an Israel-wide phenomenon -- parent, child, sibling, spouse, significant other, friend, landlord, neighbor, boss, co-worker, and stranger alike. Almost all of these have guilted me into action within the past year: 

I park my car elsewhere after neighbors told me that specific spots on the public streets belonged to them. 

I walk my dog twice a day after my landlady told me that Sage's pee and poop (the latter of which was not his, but her own dog's) was killing her plants. 

I go to Monday morning meetings after my principal said all staff were required to attend even if they have no responsibilities there. 

I grade homework on weekends after students told me that they didn't have enough time to revise them by the end of the quarter. 

I sub for my colleagues after a few requested me specifically to fill in for them, knowing I could actually teach in their absence. 

I took on students for independent study classes after guidance counselors told me that students just couldn't fit my class into their schedules. 

I move my stuff between Herzliyya and Even Yehuda on a near-daily basis after the children of friend told her that they didn't appreciate the intrusion of their privacy through our voluntary house- and dog-sitting.

I go the gym more after a trainer told me that I could be in even better shape if I just a little more cardio and lifted a little more weight. 

I call my dad every Sunday to let him know I am okay after my uncle told me that bombings are the only Mideast news in the Mansfield paper.

I drink more beer at the beach with my boyfriend after he told me that my stress level was affecting our relationship. 

I drive to Haifa to drop off the school yearbook after the printer told me he felt disrespected that I shared his bid with another company to get a counteroffer. 

I carry my contract and a business card after a security guard told me that my work visa was not enough to prove that I am allowed to live in Israel. 

To be honest, I'm not against using guilt as a tool. My parents were pretty adept with this skill. Disappointment was always a more effective motivator than punishment in my life, and I turned out pretty well, albeit as somewhat of a perfectionist. I think I am just jealous that, despite all this training, I have not mastered the art myself. If I had, things would've went much differently here: 

I would ask my neighbors to call the eyewitness who left me a note after my car was hit while parked in one of the "non-reserved" spots. 

I would respond to my landlady that, if the plants bore vegetables, we would be more careful, considering we can't fit more than three apples in our mini-fridge at a time. 

I would suggest to my principal that I use Monday morning meeting time as my planning periods, considering two are eaten up by voluntary independent-study courses and the other is spent on cafeteria duty.

I would tell my students that since they whine about too much work, I am taking away the option of revising essays to raise their grades.

I would request my own personal sub to see if they could teach, say, how to download a photo to my newspaper class.

I would refuse the guidance counselors' intention of adding a fifth prep to my schedule simply because they won't tell parents "no."

I would agree when my friend told me that perhaps her child-rearing skills are to blame for her son's and daughter's attitudes.

I would declare to my gym trainer that I am, in fact, in as good of shape as most of the other female members -- even though I don't flaunt the cleavage to prove it.

I would e-mail my dad that get-aways from all the violence are exactly why I can't call every week.

I would send my boyfriend to the beach to imbibe alone yet still expect him to bring me back food and a bottle of wine.

I would demand that the printer give us 100 more yearbooks for free because it was the rush to do changes for him that made me mis-add the total order.

I would reply to the security guard that perhaps he or she should check with the Ministry of Education about my credentials, considering it still has my diplomas and teaching certificate.

And yet, I am building my talents of manipulation. Within the past month (which is how long this post has taken to write because of my succumbing to guilt), I have made some progress in using guilt to get what I want:

I helped ensure that my neighbor next year will be another teacher from the school, which won me favor with both the administration and my landlady.

I took pictures of a bruise left by a bite from the landlady's dog, which I plan to use as leverage (along with the new tenant) for a new refrigerator.

I suggested to my principal that, considering I have five different preps next year, I don't think I should have to have any duties, homeroom, cafeteria or otherwise.

I stuck to my requirement of an 80 percent to get my recommendation for AP Literature, and all but one student revised multiple essays by the deadline to get in.

I started assigning staff members as responsible for various parts of the new Web site, implying that they will now have to download their own photos if they want them online -- unless I have time to do so while I am subbing for them.

I decreed to the guidance counselors that I will not entertain any requests for students to switch in or out of my class next year.

I split from house-sitting for my friend, telling her that the disrespect, no matter its cause, was interfering with my personal well-being.

I alluded publicly to the fact that I know my gym trainer, who happens to be my landlady's son, had a nose job to fix his physical flaws.

I told my dad that continuing to talk every other week, which happened accidentally for a while, was a good idea.

I asked my boyfriend to drink his beer with me at seaside restaurants instead of at the local kiosk.

I created a purchase order with the newly contracted printer and accurate total for next year already.

I piled three yearbooks and a newspaper on the security guard, just in case she really needed to see them for verification of my work status.

Am I proud of these things? Some, yes, a little, and others, a lot. But more to the point is that I have learned to fight fire with fire. As someone with a Superwoman complex, guilt is my greatest kryptonite, as all my arch-Israel enemies have discovered. What they didn't realize is that they are not immune to guilt either. And this tragic flaw is the stuff all good comic books and novels are made of. After all, even Philip Roth, through his Portnoy, turned his guilt around: into a writing career. I wonder if perhaps, just perhaps, those printed words have put the guilt back on his mother.