My ever-antagonist work spouse Sean just came to my room to tell me that there was just another bombing in the Gaza Strip. This is his good-natured way of trying to convince me to stay in the States. What he fails to accept is that I am immune to such scare tactics, mainly because I am not afraid of what could happen in Israel. No, I'm not in denial. One question I asked my interviewers from WBAIS was: How do I convince my father that I won't get blown up? So yes, I know it's a possibility, thus the previous reference to bomb shelter procedures. In the end, though, the odds of my exploding, even if I ride the bus, go to a nightclub, or stop for a coffee, are pretty low, as Tel Aviv is far from the center of conflict. After all, it is the economic, not religious, hub, and people are fighting over righteousness, not retail. And, to refute Sean's declaration, it's closer to the West Bank than the Gaza Strip.
Nonetheless, it still is possible, and yet I still feel strangely calm. ALERT: I am about to get serious here. In general, I'm not really afraid of death. I am sad about what I will leave behind and I am worried about the potential pain. But the actual not-being-on-this-Earth thing -- not a problem. And I'm not talking about when I die in my sleep at age 80. I mean right now. I could die tomorrow (it happens, you know), and that's okay. By virtue of my experiences, I have come to know death as a natural, and even mundane, event, as ordinary as walking the dog or taking a shower. This is the way I make myself all right with the deaths I have faced. So really, my greatest fear about death is just how boring it might be. Rest assured, if I die from what people fear about Israel, it will not be boring. It would be extraordinary, to be a casualty in one of the longest-lasting and most deeply entrenched disputes in the world. Now watch, I'll die in a car accident over there. Yawn.
The fact is, if I die, I die. There is no point in being scared about it. Worrying does not prevent it from happening. I can only control my own actions and behaviors, which, in the case of dying, means I must express to all those I would leave behind how much care about them. ALERT: I'm bringing funny back now. So I can't think of a more personal and intimate way to declare my love for you all than this blog. Yes, even you who stumbled across this blog when hunting for actual Bible passages, I have loved you deeply and I will miss you when I die.
I'm not saying I'm not scared at all. I just worry about things other than dying. Like becoming allergic to hummus or hating my co-workers or being hated by my co-workers or ticking off ambassador parents or failing my new students or regretting my two-year contract or exacerbating the Lebanese stand-off or offending religious sensibilities. Extra worried on that last one. But once again, these are healthy worries, ones that will make me watch my step in a way that is beneficial to me and those around me. Unlike worrying about death, which would simply make me limit the incredible opportunity I have fallen into. So if any of you are worrying, stop. It's a waste of mental and physical effort, unless it drives you to become my bodyguard and take the car bomb for me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Fun Fact You Knew: Albert Camus died in a car accident. That's almost absurd as your fear that your coworkers will hate you; if you can't tell now, good luck on foreign soil.
And yet I worry for my own selfishness. Yeah I mean if you die, you will undeniiabley be dead. However, I will have suffered a tragic loss. Let's not make this all about you, ok? I am already reduced to bookmarking a blog. To have you die would reduce my quota of Kim contact and cause me great sadness.
Oh yeah, if an American dies in Israel of a mundane car crash, they do not get into heaven.
Since you are not doing anything right now anyway, except vainly checking your own blog, may I make a reading recceomendation? Illusions by Richard Bach. It is about a mesiah figure taht gives bi-plane rides in the midwest. I think you might like it.
Awaiting allimony,
-Sean
If you have rational fears about the realistic parts of the job there maybe that is reason for you to stay here....
Oh well, you can't blame me for trying at the eleventh hour.
(I guess the fact that three of your coworkers have posted here to say how great you are should assuage the fear that your coworkers will hate you.)
I always wanted to die in a vat of chocolate, and I'm made my attempts in my travels but Maoist rebels and the Shining Path have yet to do their work.
I think it's healthy not to live life afraid of such things.
What if I were to drive into a vat of chocolate after my co-workers rig my brakes to give out? Now that's something to hope for.
Sean, you only get alimony if we divorce, and since I know we will be exchanging lots of "help me" e-mails, I'd say this is just a separation. Besides, we signed that pre-nup after I cleaned the book room, remember?
Post a Comment